Beware Emotional Intelligence Stereotypes
Because extroverts tend to be effusive and chummy, it’s easy to jump to the conclusion that they stand out on emotional intelligence, while introverts don’t. Oops! That’s another misconception.
Consider the quintessential extrovert: talkative, sociable, enthusiastic. And the quintessential introvert: reserved, solitary, thoughtful. Given these contrasting images, many people assume that extroverts must have far better emotional intelligence than introverts.
That assumption is wrong. Extroverts do not have an edge when it comes to accessing their own and others’ feelings or in deploying emotions effectively with others or themselves. To understand why, let’s probe the stereotypes a bit, then review the four components of emotional intelligence and how personality differences factor in to those elements.
Stereotypes about Emotion
Someone who talks a lot, has outgoing energy and makes friendly new connections at every opportunity may seem to be brimming with emotions. But that degree of expressiveness doesn’t necessarily indicate someone who connects well on an emotional level with others or with themselves. Their energetic speech might be sheer chatter, with little emotional relevance. Charisma that makes them a center of attention might likewise not add up to genuine communication and warmly felt, well-managed connections.
On the other hand, someone who says relatively little, who holds back at first meetings and hesitates to share personal information isn’t necessarily cold, unfeeling or emotionally out of touch. Introverts just may not give a lot of outward signs of their emotions. Individuals like Jane Austen’s Mr. Darcy unfairly get labeled “aloof” because they usually keep their deep feelings inside. And because introverts prefer to process events and information internally before responding, their lesser spontaneity can look like diffidence or uncaring when it’s more a matter of a time delay. The different types of introvert reserve do not imply beings without emotion or without emotion-related abilities.
Basics of Emotional Intelligence (EQ)
According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, who invented the concept of emotional intelligence in the 1990s, EQ involves four abilities:
1. Self-awareness: recognizing and understanding your own emotions and how they affect others
2. Self-management: controlling emotions and impulses, as well as adapting to changing circumstances
3. Social awareness: understanding the emotions, needs and concerns of others and picking up on social cues
4. Relationship management: building healthy relationships and managing conflict with others
“Even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and abilities to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships,” says prominent psychologist John Gottman. With high EQ, you would realize when you’re about to blow from anger, be able to control yourself, appreciate the feelings of others around you in the situation and know how to disarm the flaring anger of someone else against you. Useful stuff!
How Introverts Rate
Research shows that we introverts actually hold our own with respect to the four EQ factors listed above.
Self-awareness: Since introverts value alone time for recharging, we typically spend a significant amount time in introspection and with attunement to our feelings and perceptions. Many introverts enhance that awareness by keeping a journal or by running back over social interactions to analyze and understand them. We often take pleasure in solitary reflection about ourselves and the world around us.
Neuroscientists tell us that compared to extroverts, introverts have more activity in the brain regions such as the prefrontal cortex that are associated with internal processing and reflection. Brain scans also reveal that even in a relaxed state, introverts show more brain activity than extroverts do. Self-awareness thus may be an introvert superpower.
Self-management: Because of our preference for internal processing, introverts tend to pause before reacting, setting up conditions for composure and self-control. We usually think before we act, enabling us to remain calmer in stressful situations. Numerous studies indicate that introverts tend to be less impulsive and more emotionally stable than extroverts.
Social awareness: Introverts enjoy listening and observing more than commanding the attention of others or dominating conversations. That preference is key to being able to notice others’ nonverbal cues, shifts in tone and emotional undercurrents.
I discussed introverted social awareness in reference to Marcel Proust’s deliberate strategies for discerning nuances in behavior and motivation in the high society of Paris in his day. This personality strength also shows up in the deep listening and exceptional empathy of introverted therapists.
Relationship management: Introverts emphasize the quality of each social connection rather than their quantity. Instead of being the queens or kings of popularity, we cherish deep, loyal and lasting relationships. On the other hand, we tend to flounder in large groups, high-conflict situations and fast-paced environments. So on this EQ dimension, our inborn efficacy is mixed.
All in all, it would be a mistake to disparage the emotional intelligence of introverts. We have a more interior, reflective style of managing our own and others’ emotions. But in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness and some aspects of relationship management, we measure up quite well.
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