Many introverts have had the epithet “bookworm” hurled at them, notes blogger Amy Suto. “While this may be intended as an insult by their peers, they more than likely identify with it and are even proud of it, greatly enjoying their broad and deep body of knowledge,” she writes. Her comment got me thinking about other labels tossed at introverts that may land crookedly because what insulters view as a negative, introverts may embrace as a neutral description or even a compliment.
Consider, for example, the accusation that you are a “loner.” This may be meant to cast you as a pitiable, friendless, emotionally shaky individual. Yet some people defend lonerhood as a life advantage. Tim Denning, who has more than 100,000 followers now on Substack, says the label “loner” used to hurt him, implying – he thought – that he was weird. Gradually, however, he understood that time alone, when he was pursuing his obsessive interests, amounted to radical self-care and gave him true freedom. “Being alone is a power very few can handle,” he asserts, quoting a writer named Aaron Will.
There’s also the classic “party pooper” label, which suggests someone who doesn’t know how to have a fun time and thereby spoils the mood of others. We can imagine someone smiling at this, conceding, “Yes, it’s true, parties aren’t my thing,” in a tone of voice that states a plain fact without denigrating anyone else. After all, some people don’t like tossing a football, or catching butterflies, or climbing social ladders, or listening to opera. It takes all kinds, right?
Here we can detect a strategy for removing the sting from a hurtful, anti-introvert insult. First, you shuck the negativity from their phrase. Then you extract the nub and polish the nastiness off of it. This maneuver works whether the insult was aimed at you or at someone else. Often it lowers the temperature of the conversation and makes others realize that perhaps their slur was unfair. For instance:
“You think too much” “I do like to think.”
“So and so is aloof – stuck up.” “She does keep her distance from others much of the time.”
“The new teacher has no personality.” “Right: He is low-key and easy to get along with.”
“You need to smile more – much more.” “My resting face is a bit grumpy looking, isn’t it?”
In this way, you don’t get argumentative back. You defuse the subtle hostility and express mild wonderment at the universe of human differences. And maybe instead of just calming a conversation once, you will have educated the other person to tweak their attitude going forward.
I love this. I feel I have started to do this on occasion just as a byproduct of rehab and more therapy. Once when someone said, "She needs to get up and move her body more." I replied, "Oh, well, I don't know what else is going on in her life or body. Maybe." It took me by surprise. I feel like in the past I would have also made a snap judgement based on appearances. It was really nice to feel like I had grown and that actually helped me respond to judgements in a healthier way. Now to also apply that the judgements made about me is, I think more difficult but logical next step.