Introverts’ Need for Elbow Room
Personal space preferences vary not only by culture but also by personality.
In the late 1960s, through his book The Silent Language, anthropologist Edward T. Hall injected American popular culture with the concept of “personal space.” According to Hall, all of us maintain invisible boundaries within which we feel comfortable interacting respectively with intimates, acquaintances or strangers. We bristle, back up or become downright fearful when someone violates our safety zone. Importantly, Hall explained that the distances for those boundaries vary, culture by culture. For example, Anglo-Americans preferred a conversational distance of 2 to 4 feet; Southern Europeans, Latin Americans and Arabs felt comfortable conversing at 18 inches, while Japanese preferred to talk 4 feet or more away from those who were not family members, he wrote.
In the 1990s, an episode of “Seinfeld” dramatized the way in which personal space also has individual variation. Elaine, one of the sit-com’s main characters, dates a “close talker” named Aaron, who stands so close to all the other characters that they each literally lean back, step back, or in Kramer’s case, fall backwards against the refrigerator when Aaron gets in their face. During rehearsals for this episode, Jerry Seinfeld apparently became so stressed at actor Judge Reinhold, who played Aaron, getting inches away from his nose that the entire crew cracked up watching, because Seinfeld (the actual person, not the show character) had the quirk of being especially protective of his personal space.
Seinfeld’s sensitivity probably had to do with his being an introvert. Neurological and behavioral studies show that compared with extroverts, we introverts tend to need more physical space around us to feel safe. In part this has to do with our greater reactivity to impingements such as noise and crowding. We all have what scientists call “peripersonal neurons,” which fire up when our invisible boundaries get breached.
For introverts, our greater need for elbow room includes the following ramifications:
Distance when sitting. In one study, introverts positioned their chairs farther apart in conversation than extroverts did. Several introverted bloggers confessed that they balk at casual carpooling because its physical proximity gives them the heebie-jeebies. Introvert Eleni Stephanides says she quit driving for Lyft because being just two feet away from strangers was too close for comfort for her. Likewise, introverts will usually go elsewhere if we look in on an unfamiliar eatery and see tables placed practically on top on each other. That is not our idea of a restful lunch or a peaceful evening out.
Sensitivity to uninvited touching. Many introverts cringe, stiffen or simply refuse hugs from people they regard as strangers. Going back to Jerry Seinfeld, he once received a lot of media scolding for declining to hug someone. Kesha, a singer/songwriter, approached Seinfeld at the Kennedy Center in Washington, DC and asked him on camera – twice – if she could hug him. Twice he politely replied, “No, thanks.” Seinfeld later explained, “I don't hug a total stranger.” Incredibly, Kesha told Entertainment Today that this was “the saddest moment of my life.” From my point of view, everyone – including young children and all introverts – deserves the grace to refuse unwanted touch.
Geographical preferences. In the US, introverts seem to gravitate to states with lower population density such as Vermont and Montana, which have more acreage per person or household.
Office layout. The loathing of introverts for open-plan layouts has been well documented. To feel comfortable and be productive, we need some sort of bubble to retreat to, provided by a closed door, privacy shades for glassed-in offices, a cubicle somehow closed off to noise and interruptions, or a designated no-bother zone where people wanting to concentrate have permission to go. “I worked in an open plan office surrounded by noisy extroverts causing me to restart everything I'd done in a day maybe a dozen times before lunchtime,” shared one introvert anonymously on Quora. An introverted software developer confided in the same thread that her personality clash with the open office layout led to her being bullied for not being sociable enough and not joining in on small talk. Relief arrived when her CEO found her a small private space to work in.