The Art of the Graceful Goodbye – for Introverts
Someone who slips away from a party without announcing their exit is probably an introvert. Here’s their rationale and how to do it better.
Some time back, I found myself in an excruciatingly uncomfortable position at an annual party for neighborhood women that I normally enjoyed. To my left was an animated conversation about people I didn’t know. To my right, everyone debated a dog-care dilemma that I also couldn’t relate to. Boxed in, I could feel my face freezing into a stiff mask, and the imperative to just get out of there seized me.
Without saying a word, I eased myself off the picnic bench and looked around for the party host to tell her I was leaving. Not finding her, I let myself out and walked home. There I sent an email that the host would presumably read the next day, thanking her and saying I’d looked for her but didn’t see her when I left.
What I did goes by several names: an Irish goodbye, a French exit, and perhaps also a Dutch dipout, a Samoan sayonara. According to etiquette experts, a vanishing act like this from a small gathering is discourteous. For an introvert whose social battery is nearing the empty mark, however, a faux pas feels far preferable to the drama and pressure that would probably follow an announcement to the group that they were leaving early.
Two days after the party, a neighbor accosted my husband while he was running. “Is Marcia OK? We suddenly realized she was gone and didn’t know why,” she said with concern. Clearly I needed some tips on the art of the graceful goodbye, and maybe you do, too.
Why the awkward evasiveness?
Introverts dislike having the spotlight shine on us when we’re doing something socially frowned upon in order to be more comfortable. We also dislike confronting social pressure that implies disapproval for our preferences. At that party, I certainly did not want to bring up the often pooh-poohed topic of introvert overload or blame anyone else for my own discomfort.
After reading up on what sociability experts and other introverts say about this predicament, I hit on a few strategies that may make sense.
First, we can set the stage ahead of time with the host of a gathering for a no-fault, no-mess early exit. A candid way to do this is to tell the host, one-on-one, “You know, I sometimes get overwhelmed, overloaded or uncomfortable in a group, and I may need to duck out early.” Then with a discreet wink and a wave to the host, we can stand up and leave if that feeling comes up.
If such truthfulness seems inappropriate or unwelcome, we can tell the host a precautionary excuse before the party, like “I promised to pick someone up at the airport at X o’clock.” If we then slip out as I did, the host should not be offended.
Second, we can practice a graceful, no-excuses goodbye, like standing up and saying to the group, “This was wonderful, I’ll see you around,” and then scooting out before anyone has a chance to protest or start an interrogation.
In any event, be sure to thank the host, either on the spot or afterwards by email or text. And if the gathering takes place in a restaurant, under no circumstances should you stick anyone else with the check!
Why an “Irish goodbye”?
According to my research, no one really knows how Irish or French ethnicity got associated with slipping out unnoticed. Some linguistic detectives attribute the “Irish goodbye” expression to the Northeast of the US, especially Boston, which has a high concentration of Irish Americans. Likewise, I could find no consensus on whether or not Irish people consider the phrase offensive. Some yes, but most no.