5 Loneliness Stereotypes and the Harm They Do
When you think “loneliness,” do you get hackneyed, harmful images of who it looks like?
The other day I was reading a creative story about a psychology researcher that trotted out so many lazy misconceptions about loneliness that I punched the page closed and began listing the myths and travesties. Some of these are particularly damaging to introverts, so here goes.
Harmful loneliness stereotypes
Loneliness corresponds to a lack of friends.
Loneliness involves a distressed wish for greater or more intimate connection with others than one has. It’s a feeling – not an objective, observational external fact. Contrary to some researchers, you can’t count up the number of friends someone has, then label them lonely or not lonely. Someone splendidly integrated into a family, a couple, a workplace and a friend group can still feel lonely, while someone who lives a hermit existence doesn’t necessarily have a distressed wish for more social contact. This misconception definitely stigmatizes introverts, who value quality, not quantity, in friendships.
Loneliness necessarily afflicts those who are physically isolated.
Someone who chooses solitude, apartness or isolation may not feel negatively alone. Introverts might appear to be cut off from others when they actually have good friends or family they feel they can count on when needed. That need just may not come up as often as it does for extroverts. Indeed, a five-year Australian study that included the pandemic years found that physical isolation bothered extroverts much more than it did introverts. It’s important to respect introverts – and anyone, really – by not assuming or projecting what they feel from looking at their circumstances.
The elderly are disproportionately prone to loneliness.
This myth appears to be a projection of younger people. Many studies have found much higher rates of loneliness among teenagers and young adults than among those over age 60. Some elders do of course feel lonely. However, the reflexive association of aging with loneliness puts older introverts at risk of being misunderstood as dangerously isolated when they feel perfectly fine about their level of social interaction. In addition, a British study reported that those who believe loneliness necessarily accompanies old age end up feeling more lonely when they age than those who lacked that belief.
Lonely people tend to be socially awkward folks or those rejected by others.
Let’s be kind to extroverts and remember that with all the social skills or charisma in the world, they can still struggle with loneliness. My mother, for example, made friends easily and often wherever she happened to be but still confessed to feeling lonely in the decades after her long-time spouse, my father, died. Another type of loneliness can affect people of any personality at the apex of their profession, such as CEOs. “While they’re surrounded by people, they don’t really have anyone to turn to; it’s difficult for them to share the pressures and responsibilities they’re facing,” explains an article in Forbes.
Getting out more is the best cure for loneliness.
Someone who feels disconnected from others may already have a full social calendar. Perhaps what would help them is a stronger self-concept or inner work that puts them more in touch with their authentic desires. On the other hand, someone who doesn’t need much social interaction might get overwhelmed by suddenly, and uselessly, ramping it up. This misconception harms both extroverts and introverts by recommending a type of remedy that may not fit someone’s emotional reality.