The Challenge of Reticence
In comparison with extroverts, introverts are reticent. Less chatty, more self-contained. Find out why some non-reticent folks take offense at reserved people.
In one of her essays, author Yiyun Li, who grew up in China, evokes an experience that many introverts around the world can identify with:
“I have been asked throughout my life: What are you hiding? I don’t know what I am hiding, and the more I try to deny it, the less trustworthy people find me. My mother used to comment on my stealthiness to our guests. A woman in charge of admission at the public bathhouse often confronted me, asking what I was hiding from her. Nothing, I said, and she would say she could tell from my eyes that I was lying.
“Reticence is a natural state. It is not hiding. People don’t show themselves equally and easily to all.” —Dear Friend, from My Life I Write to You in Your Life
As Li attests, reticence is not a deliberate act or strategy but a natural expression of a reserved temperament. Yet somehow it triggers suspicions, anger, hostility and accusations in some others. Why? Why do some people react as if they’ve been insulted, tricked or threatened by someone like Yiyun Li who is simply being herself? “Why are you so quiet?” is one way this reaction commonly gets expressed, when the tone is not curious but resentful or aggrieved. From the perspective of the reticent person, taking offense that way can seem unhinged. After all, how does my personality harm you?
Reasons for taking offense at reticence
Social psychologists cite three factors driving this dynamic.
1. The norm of reciprocity. When someone offers information, a gesture or an emotion, we are supposed to respond in kind. That might be a hello, a welcoming smile or observations about the setting. For an introvert who is slow to warm up to people and who dislikes fakery or small talk, it may be hard to do what’s expected. An exchange that should have proceeded routinely then gets disrupted, and the first person feels rejected, ignored or snubbed.
2. Uncertainty and projection. When a reticent person doesn’t respond according to social protocol, the situation becomes ambiguous and fraught. Oh, they don’t like me? Oh, they’re being snobbish? Oh, who do they think they are? Speculations rush into that void. The more expressive person projects, filling in the empty space with their own fears and preoccupations. In Yiyun Li’s example, the bathhouse attendant read into Li’s posture, facial expression and behavior things that Li never intended.
3. Uncompliant = not controlled. Someone who doesn’t respond as expected can come across as resistant, defiant and a threat to authority. They are not playing the social game properly. A higher-status person, feeling indignant or angry at perceived insubordination, may try to force the restrained other into line.
We need to be suspicious of certain adjectives that get applied to introverts who simply don’t respond as extroverts expect: sullen; arrogant; unreadable; cold; stubborn; self-centered; disengaged. Perhaps they are just processing the scene around them internally or carrying out their preference for quiet. Intentionally or not, a silent, taciturn or reserved person may also be wielding a quiet form of dignity and power.
If this reaction comes your way
If someone takes offense at your reticence, remember first that you haven’t necessarily done anything wrong. Someone got triggered by the way you are, that’s all.
Develop a comeback if you feel you need to de-escalate the conflict. Subtly remind the other person, calmly or with a smile, that you haven’t meant to provoke them. You merely have a personality that they find uncomfortable.
“Still waters run deep, my grandfather always said,” you might try. Or “Quality, not quantity, is my watchword.” Or “When I have something to say, you’ll be the first to know.”
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