Saying “No”: Pathological or Life-Enhancing?
To some, a lot of saying “no” promotes autonomy and independence. To others, more saying “yes” is the road to a better life.
E.B. White was a champion at saying “no.” According to his stepson Roger Angell, the renowned author of Charlotte’s Web and Stuart Little said “no” to book award ceremonies, cocktail parties, town meetings, unexpected visitors to his farm, even family weddings, graduations and burials. When invited to Washington to receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Lyndon Johnson, White had Senator Edmund Muskie serve as his stand-in. “He did make it to a few select universities to receive honorary degrees, but despite prearranged infusions of sherry or Scotch he found the ceremonials excruciating,” Angell recalls.
At this point, some people will say that White obviously suffered from Social Anxiety Disorder, and he should have consulted a psychiatrist or therapist. Let me add, though, that White’s family expected and accepted his “no’s.” His rural Maine neighbors also accepted White’s reclusive nature by refusing to give strangers directions to his home. Along those lines, White once persuaded a reporter to write that the famous author lived in a coastal town “somewhere between Nova Scotia and Cuba.”
White didn’t explain or apologize when he wrote “no” to important people or prestigious opportunities. And many in the world around him acceded to his wish to enjoy a quiet life on his farm in privacy, entertaining visitors or going out into the world beyond only when he really, really wanted to.
This story raises so many issues in my mind that I hardly know where to start. Should we salute White for standing tall when it came to his preferences? Should we pity him for having limited his social horizons to such a great extent? Should we note that most people don’t have the means – or the willpower – to indulge their druthers as he did?
We’re all brought up to regard extroverts’ expectations as mandatory and legitimate. So some introverts who say “yes” to social situations more than they like might look at White’s habitual “no’s” with amazement and envy. Their own family would never let them get away with that behavior! Their boss doesn’t look kindly on people shirking the annual picnic or team bonding exercises. And they themselves worry about becoming a virtual outcast if they said “no” as often as they’d like to. As a result, the word “no” doesn’t come easily out of their mouths or off their fingers when at their phone or keyboard.
Even many non-introverts fear saying “no.” A habit of people pleasing keeps you from experiencing deep self-regard and pursuing your unique priorities, according to some. Business school professor Vanessa Patrick signals this “pro no” point of view right in her book title, The Power of Saying No: The New Science of How to Say No that Puts You in Charge of Your Life. The “pro no” philosophy also shows up in the reminder Oprah Winfrey keeps on her desk: “Never again will I do anything for anyone that I do not feel directly from my heart. I will not attend a meeting, make a phone call, write a letter, sponsor, or participate in any activity in which every fiber of my being does not resound yes. I will act with the intent to be true to myself.”
Others would be inclined to scold White for rudeness and dereliction of interpersonal duties. To not show up for honors bestowed on one shows a lack of regard for admirers, while not attending close relatives’ weddings, graduations or funerals is even more selfish. From this viewpoint, introverts are taking their desire for autonomy and independence way too far. “Pathological introverts tend to be keenly-attuned to their own needs and almost supernaturally stone-deaf to the needs of others,” one blogger argues.
Still others take the tack that we should admire those who share White’s instinctive recoil from social events yet plunge into them anyway, steeling ourselves with a smile. Some such people have turned that reversal into a self-conscious project in which they wrote about the personal growth that came about as a result. They expanded their sense of well-being and discovered how not to “play small.” My feeling is that if that approach floats your boat, go for it, but don’t disparage introverts who have different, more solitary ideas of their worthy life projects. Don’t vilify the introverts who need to conserve their energy for what they consider most important.
E.B. White’s meticulously crafted essays continue to be assigned and enjoyed in English classes worldwide. And his masterpiece, Charlotte’s Web, having sold more than 50 million copies, still ranks among the best-loved children’s books of all time. I wonder, then, who are we to criticize his “no’s”?
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