Is Vulnerability a Secret Sauce for Introverts?
Many self-help authors recommend sharing mildly disparaging information about oneself as a pathway to interpersonal connection and trust. I disagree.
A recent book called The Confidence Equation: Three Keys to Unleashing Self-Confidence as an Introvert piqued my interest. Written by psychologist Dan Rosenfeld, it named vulnerability about personal flaws as a key to success for introverts. What was his reasoning, I wondered, and does this concept really have specific relevance for introverts?
To my surprise – and disappointment – I discovered that Rosenfeld was not actually offering advice specifically for introverts, but rather for anyone who feels diminished by their differences from the norm. The author’s perspective is sensible for the most part, as you can tell from this representative sample:
“Deviating from the norm can be daunting. It’s human nature to want to conform, and being different can make you feel vulnerable. Fears of judgment and rejection often deter people from embracing their uniqueness. But developing the courage to do something different is a critical step toward letting go of self-doubt.”
Most of the anecdotes illustrating Rosenfeld’s confidence-building principles and strategies featured his own physical and social challenges due to having cerebral palsy. Very little in the book has to do with introversion, but the term does appear in sprinkles here and there.
I suspect the publisher or editor wasn’t sure how to sell Rosenfeld’s general psychological commentary and motivational advice, and came up with the introvert angle as a potential differentiator in the self-help marketplace. All the same, The Confidence Equation prompted me to give further thought to the place of vulnerability in communication and in relationships, as well as whether or not the topic has special importance for introverts.
As discussed by contemporary psychologists, vulnerability applies where someone takes an action or voices a message that might reflect somewhat badly on themselves. According to Rosenfeld’s schema (a theory brought into popular culture by Brené Brown), vulnerability powerfully brings the person and their audience much closer. Does it?
So let’s imagine first a situation where Isaac, an introvert, is attending the reception for a family wedding. He leans over to a tablemate and confides, “This is way overstimulating for me. I wish I could just give my good wishes to the bride and groom and go home.” According to the vulnerability proponents, such confessions of socially unacceptable, purported weaknesses increase your likeability. “Being vulnerable earns others’ respect, empathy and appreciation for your perspective,” contends Rosenfeld. Hmm. Maybe Isaac’s honesty would inspire the tablemate to appreciate him. But it can equally spark harsh condemnation: “This is a once-in-a-lifetime celebration for your cousin! Your feelings don’t count. This is not a day to act selfishly.”
Next let’s imagine Ione, also an introvert, giving a talk about local home buying and selling trends to her Chamber of Commerce, with the idea that this will increase demand for her real estate services. When she realizes there’s a goof on one of her slides, she tries to make a joke of it, saying, “Numbers! They are not my friends.” Uneasy laughter ripples through the room. Will this vulnerable comment make the audience like her more? Maybe, maybe not. Will confessing her weakness earn the “respect, empathy and appreciation” of her fellow businesspeople? I don’t believe so. After all, real estate people need to be 100 percent accurate and trustworthy about numbers. Very large, precise numbers tend to be involved in buying and selling houses or land.
Initially I couldn’t think of a reason why it would be relevant in these situations that Isaac and Ione are introverts. If we imagine extroverts Eddie and Elaine at the wedding or speaking to the Chamber, it wouldn’t change the dynamics of listeners’ reactions to someone’s vulnerability. Thinking about it more, though, I thought perhaps introverts get mentioned because we are temperamentally the most resistant to this share-your-shortcomings advice. Introverts tend to care about privacy and therefore would tend to balk at the advice to share their inadequacies with acquaintances or strangers.
In my previous career, when I spoke at marketing or small-business conferences, I often heard another expert urging the audience to “be vulnerable” in their newsletters or on their blogs or websites. People want to do business with individuals they know, like and trust, the rationale went, and sharing personal stories in which you had failed, made mistakes or experienced a weakness was a surefire way of earning trust.
As someone who paid close attention to how professionals presented themselves in speaking and in writing, I disagreed with this advice then, and I disagree with it now. Why?
First, as in Ione’s case, I saw way too many instances where someone blithely shared what many others viewed as discrediting information, causing readers or listeners to doubt their decision-making judgements or general character. Savvy people might not want to hire an accountant who had once had a gambling addiction or several bankruptcies, even if she claimed to have overcome the problem. Discerning consumers would not be attracted to the couch of a therapist who said he had learned invaluable lessons from his three divorces.
Second, I didn’t like the formulaic nature of the recommendation: Say X about yourself in order to get Y. This seemed gratuitous and manipulative to me, and an invitation for fakery or insincerity.
Third, because I cared about my own privacy and knew many of my introverted clients felt the same way, the recommendation to put intimate failings on display rubbed me the wrong way. When I worked with clients on their “About Me” web pages, I encouraged them to be candid about their personality and their distinctive methods of working. By doing so, they would attract their ideal customers or clients and subtly discourage those likely to be a mismatch. This process did not require revealing any of one’s worst business or personal moments.
It’s true that I’ve seen a few cases where a vulnerable touch seems to have been well implemented. For instance, the official bio of consultant Alan Weiss, one of the two smartest people I’ve ever met, includes this sentence: “He once appeared on the popular American TV game show Jeopardy, where he lost badly in the first round to a dancing waiter from Iowa.” This provides a humorous counterpoint to his impressive achievements, making him a tad less intimidating. Yet keep in mind that companies hire him for his management expertise, which is completely separate from his knowledge of trivia.
Overall, I remain unconvinced that going vulnerable with acquaintances or strangers endears you to them. It’s particularly ill-advised, most of the time, when you are aiming at earning credibility. And far from being a secret route to success for introverts, as championed by Dan Rosenfeld, I believe introverts have special reasons to hold back from accepting this advice.
You may be wondering: What about the personal stories I share from time to time in these newsletters? They’re different, for two reasons. First, my anecdotes don’t try to position me as “one down” from readers – an important element of the vulnerability approach. Second, fleshed-out anecdotes are simply an ingredient of good nonfiction writing. They make abstract ideas three-dimensional. They have persuasive power. They keep readers engaged. They help drive home the reality that what is being written about isn’t random AI slop or hot air, but concepts that matter.