Authenticity Dilemmas for Introverts

Stick it out at parties or go home early? Honor customs that make you deeply uncomfortable? On Planet Extrovert, introverts face authenticity dilemmas.

In the abstract, personal authenticity sounds like a wonderful thing.  Being yourself – as opposed to the pretend self others expect of you – brings you inner harmony, more self-confidence and greater fulfillment.  At the same time, for introverts in a society where extroverts reign as the normal ones, authenticity may require some fraught decisions. 

Here are three interrelated dilemmas confronted by introverts who lean toward authenticity.

1. Do you follow the crowd or your own inner compass?

Most introverts don’t naturally fit society’s ideal of an upbeat, easy-to-get-along-with, let’s-be-together temperament.  So the question arises: To what extent do you wish to seem like that ideal?  Will you pressure yourself to overcome your discomforts and conform?  Or will you go your own way, celebrating solitary hobbies that enchant you, like Vladimir Nabokov’s butterfly collecting, Emily Dickinson’s spiritual poems, Steve Wozniak’s computer tinkering or Georgia O’Keeffe’s skull and flower paintings?

For happiness and life satisfaction, you may have to compromise – giving way to social expectations to keep peace with loved ones or at work, while banging your different drum in realms where you can express your preferences and your soul.  Think of introvert Eleanor Roosevelt, for instance, who performed many traditional First Lady social duties but also pursued her nonconformist passion for social justice and types of fun that subverted the customs of her time.  Like the time she and Amelia Earhart snuck out of a formal dinner at the White House together and flew to Baltimore and back because Roosevelt always wished she could learn to fly.

2. Whose acceptance do you value?

Like extroverts, introverts want to be liked.  However, we tend to be more particular about who we want to be liked by.  Just as introverts prefer socializing in smaller groups, we may choose a much smaller and more specialized reference group for acceptance than the general public.  But this comes at a cost.  How much casual disdain can you put up with as a tradeoff for being your authentic purple-hair, Tolkien-worshipping self?  This tradeoff featured in my discussion of Tell the Wolves I’m Home, whose teenaged main character displayed her love for the Middle Ages, her peers be damned.

Many well-known introverts never pursued fame, only recognition by those who shared their knowledge, beliefs or tastes.  I’d put Charles Darwin, Florence Nightingale and Alfred Hitchcock, among others, in that category.  Albert Einstein was true to himself in rejecting the wearing of socks and careful grooming of his hair, only to seem more lovable for such quirks.  Even so, there’s no guarantee that a halo of acceptance for your eccentricities will shine on you.  Are you willing to stand out a little, not at all or a lot?

3. Whose comfort do you prioritize?

When you don’t socially conform, when you break away from extrovert expectations to be yourself, others may feel discomfort, resentment or anger.  Let’s say your company runs a once-a-year team-building retreat that in the past left you feeling awkward, stressed and intruded upon.  Do you sacrifice, go again and slap on a smile so the leaders feel everyone is on board with their vision?  If you duck out, you’ll feel relief but have to deal with some blowback.

This conflict comes up with strangers, also.  When someone who experiences joy conversing with strangers interrupts you reading on the beach, do you indulge their preferences by engaging with their chitchat?  Or do you act according to your own comfort by just flashing a quick smile and re-immersing yourself in your book?

Decisions, decisions…

Related posts

Must Introversion Have a “Why”?

Phooey on Fame? Yes and No.

Are True-to-Themselves Introverts Immature?

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