Remember: Not All Introverts Are Shy
Some introverts are also shy. But many introverts are not shy. Find out why it matters to keep “shy” and “introvert” in separate compartments.
“Shyness is the tendency to feel awkward, worried, or tense during social encounters, especially with unfamiliar people. Severely shy people may have physical symptoms like blushing, sweating, a pounding heart or upset stomach; negative feelings about themselves; worries about how others view them; and a tendency to withdraw from social interactions.” —American Psychological Association
Does the above definition of shyness characterize all introverts? Absolutely not. This point has been made again and again by experts and commentators in the last decade or more. Yet “shy” and “introverted” continue to be listed as synonyms in online Thesauruses and used as alternate words for one another in popular media. Let’s straighten out this misunderstanding and explain why it matters to keep the two concepts separate.
Here's what I wrote in my Introvert FAQ two years ago:
“An introvert is someone who 1)loses energy around other people and recharges best when they are alone or with one or two intimate friends; 2)has a lower capacity for external stimulation than extroverts; and 3)tends to focus more on thoughts, feelings and perceptions than on interaction with other people.”
Notice that this definition contains nothing about emotions such as fear, worry or anxiety. Getting exhausted by too much social activity in a certain period of time and needing solitude to recharge doesn’t imply low self-esteem, bashfulness, timidity, stammering or social awkwardness. Whereas a shy adult instinctively holds back and wants to hide or flee from social challenges, an introvert might not see or feel the point of engaging, since they find less pleasure in unnecessary or banal interactions than extroverts do.
Consider the example of former president Barack Obama. Whatever your opinion of his politics, you would have to agree that he was confident, socially smooth and highly capable of handling himself in unfamiliar situations – not shy in the slightest. However, as an introvert, he arranged his daily schedule so that he had four or five hours alone most nights, to get things done without others around and rest from intense contact with people.
Many of the negative stereotypes of introverts actually pertain to shyness, such as the “wallflower” or the “shrinking violet.” These are people who desperately want to join in on the party and the fun others are having but have trouble overcoming their fears about stepping forward. The “loner” image that tends to come up in commentary on mass shootings is another version of this, as Anneli Rufus brilliantly explained in her book Party of One. The murderous loner in newspaper accounts feels rage for being excluded and wants to punish society for that exclusion.
Faced with an invitation to a party, an introvert doesn’t necessarily get a nervous stomach, sweaty palms or an onrush of envy. Instead, they might be figuring out whether they’d have a better time staying home with Netflix and whether or not they’d be able to leave early if they feel they’d had enough. Likewise, the prospect of giving a talk before an audience of hundreds doesn’t necessarily stir up stage fright in an introvert, but rather the desire to prepare well enough that they can perform calmly and competently. Someone who is both shy and introverted might experience nervous dread about these situations, but that would be because of their shyness, not because of the introverted aspect of their temperament. Someone who is both shy and extroverted might find their shyness getting in the way of the welcomed energy surge that socializing brings them.
Distinguishing shyness from introversion matters because the practical and emotional challenges experienced by shy people often influence others’ expectations about introverts who are not shy. For example, people making hiring or promotion decisions may assume reserved individuals who appear introverted lack leadership potential. Nelson Mandela, Florence Nightingale, Alfred Hitchcock and Susan B. Anthony, among many other introverted leaders, give the lie to that assumption.
Or an organization may decline to send a fully capable introvert abroad, operating under the mistaken belief that an introvert wouldn’t cope well in a bewilderingly new environment. Against this we can cite well-known introverted anthropologists, such as Ruth Benedict and E.E. Evans-Pritchard, who successfully immersed themselves in Native American or African cultures and returned from their remote fieldwork with pathbreaking insights about patterns of belief.
Thanks. Important distinction that others struggle to understand — even use to try to convince introverts that they are wrong identifying as one.